A Life Changer

So...today I was diagnosed with cancer. I went in last Thursday for a routine surgical procedure. The last thing I remember was the nurse putting some medicine in my IV and telling me I was going to go into la-la land. The next thing I remember was being back in the room with Dallas. My doctor was standing over me. He said that during the procedure they found a mass. They removed part of it and were going to biopsy it, but it was likely cancerous. They would have the results on Monday, but in the meantime, we needed to just go home and wait.

Honestly, we had a great weekend. My younger brother got his mission call to JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA. Unfortunately, because my surgery ran long, we weren't there when he opened it, but we saw him later that night. It's been amazing to see how much Nathan has grown in the last few months as he has prepared for his mission. I'm so proud of him and I have no doubt he is going to be an awesome missionary. We also had a new niece born on Thursday (it was a big day). Dallas and I were able to go home and spend the night and next day at Tyson and Meagan's helping with their kids while they were at the hospital. I love all of our nieces and nephews, they are such happy kids and really cheered us up. It was good to spend some time with them and stay busy, but it was also good to get home and start talking about the future. 

Dallas and I decided not to spend the weekend driving ourselves crazy with worry, but to spend it as a family, having fun together and talking through things. My parents watched the girls and we were able to go on a date Saturday night to celebrate Valentine's Day.

We were able to go to the Idaho Falls Temple, where we were married, and do sealings for the dead. It was wonderful. We went todinner at Johnny Carino's and saw "The Vow." It was so fun to just talk, spend the evening together, and just have a break from all the worry and stress. As we were walking back to the car, I said to Dallas, "I'm afraid this might be the last date we go on for awhile." He said to me, "No, it's not. It might be a Redbox and hospital food, but we'll still date."  I'm so grateful to be married to such an amazing person. He is exactly what I need.

Sunday our family had a fast for my health. I'm so grateful to have been born into and married into a family of very selfless and kind people. Today we talked to my doctor on the phone and he gave us the news we were expecting--my test came back positive. The mass is officially a cancerous tumor. I spent most of the weekend praying, crying, studying my scriptures and trying to come to grips with the fact that their was probably cancer within my body. I have said over and over in my head, "I have cancer. I have cancer." but it is still surreal and hard to wrap my head around. I'm 21 years old, I've never broken a bone, had a major surgery (until last week), or really ever been sick. I exercise regularly, take my vitamins, eat healthy, and try to take good care of my body. I'm 21 years old, I have two children, my husband returned from Iraq 5 months ago, and I have cancer. Still so hard to wrap my head around.

 A CT scan was done and the results came back clear. As far as they know, my cancer has not spread to any of my lymph nodes or organs, which is absolutely wonderful news. The pathology results were uncertain, so the sample was sent to a specialist who diagnoses cancer. According to my doctor, I've likely had this cancer within my body for a few years because it is very slow growing. For right now, we just need to sit tight and wait for the results of the testing, sometime next week. Once they pinpoint the exact type of cancer I have, they will be able to more effectively treat it and I will be put in touch with an oncologist.  Depending on the type of cancer I have, my prognosis could be very, very good. My doctor said that I will probably do chemotherapy, likely do radiation, and possibly have surgery. 

Dallas and I feel really, really good about the future. It's been amazing to see God's hand in our life. The cancer could easily have gone undetected for a long time, and I know it was a miracle in our life that it was detected so early. The love and support we have felt from so many people so early on in our journey has been very humbling. 

Dallas and I feel very confident about the end result. I know that I am going to be a cancer survivor. I know that this is all going to work out and that I have a long life ahead of me. This has been a 180 degree change in our future. We had been hoping to have another baby soon, which obviously isn't going to be a possibility for quite awhile, but we know we will have more children. Right now our highest priority is to take care of the children we do have, and to take care of myself so I can be the kind of wife I want to be and the kind of mother my children deserve. Everything at this point is very uncertain, it's all depending on what the pathology results are and what my treatment plan will be. I think the quote above pretty much sums it up, "I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future." I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't know why our family is being faced with another trial. But I do know whose children we are. I know who holds our future, and I know that He will take care of us, and that everything will be okay.

 I am so thankful for the testimony I have of my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful that God answers prayers and comforts His children. I'm thankful that God has a plan for me and that He knows me and knows what is best for our family.

When Peter saw the Savior walking on the water he cried out, "Lord…bid me come unto thee."

"Come." was all He said.

Filled with faith, Peter stepped from the safety of the boat on to the stormy sea. But as the winds picked up and the waves grew stronger Peter’s faith turned to fear. As he began to sink, Peter cried out, "Lord, save me."

Two thousand years later, Christ is still calling to us. As we step from the safety of self-reliance on to the stormy seas of discipleship, like Peter we pray, "Lord, save me."

With perfect calmness He stills the winds of our doubt, reaches down from heaven and saves us.

--Liz Lemon Swindle

This picture hangs in our bishop's office, and I've thought a lot about it the last few days. So many times in my life, I have felt like Peter, drowning in the storms of life; afraid of trials, afraid of the future, afraid of failing. But when I have the faith to extend my hand and ask the Lord to save me, He has. He always has. And I know He will continue to grab my hand and save me from the storm. Right now I am just praying like crazy that I will have enough faith to allow the Lord to calm the storm in my heart and in my body. And I really appreciate all of the prayers that have been said for me and my family.

Like I said about, I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a cancer survivor. No doubt. A lot of people have asked us the last few days what they can do to help. I know we will need a lot more help in the months and years to come, but for right now, we could really use positive thoughts and prayers. 

I know we are not the only people who are going through a hard time right now. I know there are many people who have gone through much worse and have survived and been blessed for it. I'm grateful for the example of so many people who have overcome hard times and have joy in their lives. I'm also very grateful to be blessed with such a wonderful spouse and two such beautiful little girls, inside and out. They have such strength and joy in their little bodies. They have been so sweet the last few days, being extra patient with me, extra snuggly when I need a hug, and extra kind and loving to everyone.  I am so grateful to be the momma to two such darling daughters. 

And as for today, I am very, very grateful for so many things. At this point, I'm pretty much emotionally drained for today. We've talked to so many people and hashed this over and over that it is kind of surreal, so I am going to close my post. Todays pictures have been brought to you by Pinterest. I've been pinning a bunch of quotes on Pinterest lately and today so many of them comforted me and really touched my heart. Below is the quote that pretty much sums up today.

I know that things will work out. Right now we are just trying to figure out the how. I know I said this before, but we really appreciate all of the support. 

Love,

The Abrams

P.S. I don't really want to clog our family blog with all of this cancer-ish junk, so I'm thinking about starting a separate public blog that I'll mostly update with cancer info, and keep most of the pictures and personal details on our family blog. Thoughts?

P.P.S. My brother just texted me the following scripture, " That the ^atrial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the ^bappearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet ^abelieving, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:" I told you he is going to be an awesome missionary.