I started this post last weekend, after they found my tumor but before it was diagnosed as cancerous. I wanted to finish it. One of my biggest worries about having cancer is that my husband and children will be neglected. I know once I am on chemotherapy I won't be able to do everything for them that I am doing now, I know they will need to make great sacrifices, I just hope they understand the greater purpose we are all working towards. I have every intention of being in the temple for every single one of my grandchildren's marriages. At 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 they've gone through more trials that I did the first 2 decades of my life. I don't know why two such beautiful little girls have to go through such hard times, hard times they don't understand, but watching them while Dallas was deployed and since he's come home taught me something--they are stronger than I wish they ever had to be. I don't know why God blessed me with such amazing girls, but they lift me up and make me a better person every day.
The older Amaya and Oaklie get, the more fun they are. They love playing together and seem to become better friends every day. Amaya is always watching out for his sister and is always reminding me, "For Okee too!" whenever I get her something.
The other day, I was putting some medicine on a bump on my shoulder and I heard a little helium voice behind me say, "That's giscusging." (disgusting). I about died laughing!
A couple of weeks ago she found her Disney princess dress in the closet and asked me to help her put it on. Once she was dressed, I sent her downstairs to show Dallas. A couple of minutes later she walked back into the bedroom like she was the Queen of England. She did a little sashay and bragged, "Mommy, I look dorky. I look dorky Mommy." I laughed so hard! It was obvious she had no idea what dorky meant.
The little goobers that get in her eyes when she wakes up I call sleeper bugs. Now Amaya will come up to me and say, "Mommy! There's a ladybug in my eye!"
I think Amaya might grow up to be the Relief Society General President one day. She played Primary with her cousins a few weeks ago and now it's one of her favorite things to play at home. She sits on the piano bench to sing and play the opening song. Then she kneels down and says the opening prayer. Then she stand up to give the "Blesson" (lesson). This morning while I was getting ready for church, she got into the bathroom drawer and pulled out two of my curling irons--one for her and one for Oaklie. She held one up to her mouth like a microphone and said, "Good mooring brovers and sissers." That one is Relief Society material. She was trying to get Oaklie to talk into hers and said, "Oaklie! Say, 'I'm Okee, I'm one!'"
Oaklie is so funny. I love that she doesn't let anyone else tell her who to be, she is 100% unique. Every morning she wakes up and she puts on her boots and her coat, and a hat if she can find one. She is going to be so sad when summer gets here.
Oaklie knows how to say about 25 words. Some of her favorites are "Mom, Dad, Sis, Dis (this), Dat (that), Coat, Boos (boots), eyes, and mow (more)." If she doesn't know the name of something, she just points at it and says, "Dis." Oaklie is a smart little one. She understands everything that everyone says and is such and obedient little girl. She loves to help with chores and is the master of starting the dishwasher.
Next week Oaklie goes into nursery. I'm excited for her and I know she will have a blast, but I'm a little bit worried about myself. It's been more than 2 1/2 years since I've gone to Sunday School and Relief Society without a baby on my lap. Oaklie was my little buddy all of those months when Dallas was in Iraq. Dallas will probably be gone this summer for 4 months or so, and I'm not going to have a buddy to get me through the last 2 meetings at church.
Oaklie is a very good girl, but she's also a mischievous one. She loves flushing the toilet. We have had 3 brand new rolls of Charmin that Oaklie has sacrificed to the toilet god in the last week. She has dumped out the bathroom trash into the toilet and tried to flush it a few times as well.
Her newest naughty trick is to take all of her clothes off during her nap and at bedtime and then poop and pee in her crib. I thought Amaya's stripping herself down stage was bad, but she had nothing on Oaklie. I have yet to put a piece of clothing on Oaklie that she hasn't figured out how to take off. Last night about 10:30 Oaklie started crying. I went in to check on her and she was COVERED in dried-on poop. It was disgusting and was a nightmare to clean up. Dallas and I think it was the perfect cherry on top of our crappy week. Haha.
Poop and all, Dallas and I love our little girls to pieces.
Elder Russell M. Nelson came to our stake conference today. Listening to him speak, it was amazing to see the love he had for little children. He said that there were children in the audience who had been waving to him during the meeting, and when he spoke he asked all of the Primary aged children to stand up on their chairs and wave to him so he could see them. Amaya thought that was so neat. Then he asked the Primary children to sing, "I Am a Child of God." The Spirit in the meeting was so strong. It was obvious that Heavenly Father loved those little ones so much.
This is one of my favorite lullabies to sing to the girls at bedtime:
In the sunlight or the rain, brightest night or darkest day, I'll always feel the same way. Whatever road you may be on know you're never too far gone. My love is there, wherever you may be. Just remember that you'll always be my baby.
Rather than clogging up our family blog with a bunch of cancer crap, I created a separate blog to focus on my journey with cancer. It is www.atimetofight.blogspot.com. I'll keep this blog for family pictures, stories, etc. Hope you will read both!
Carissa
This is seriously the cheesiest picture ever but I think it illustrates the point.
When I was little I remember running up to my dad and he would give me the biggest, tightest hug. It's a very good feeling, but it's also kind of overwhelming because your arms are pinned down and you can't breathe. Even with the slightly claustrophobic, lung crushing feelings; no matter what, you just feel so loved. The last few days I feel like I have gotten the biggest tightest bear hug from gobs of people who care about us. It's the most comforting, overwhelming feeling I think I've ever had. I'm still working on texting/emailing/calling everyone back, I just wanted to let everyone know how much I love and appreciate their love. If I haven't gotten back to you, it's not because I don't want to talk to you. Things have just been kind of crazy at our house. I'm kind of a pain in the butt, opinionated, open-mouth-insert-foot kind of person, but I think I must have done something right in my life to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. I'm grateful for every one of you, more than you could ever know.
Today we got the pathology results back. It's officially rectal cancer. Yes, not the most glamourous cancer. I think the average person diagnosed is like a 75 years old smoker. There's no cute pink merchandise associated with it like breast cancer's "save the boobies" bracelets and what not. We have an appointment with the oncologist next week and we will hopefully have a few more answers after that. In the meantime we get to, guess what...hold tight and wait.
Dallas and the girls are doing great. I am married to the most supportive, loving, strong man. He has been so kind, so willing to pick up the extra slack, and willing to lay awake until 3 am(!) just listening to me ramble about my worries, concerns, etc. I've been in a foul mood today and he is the kind of person who will lovingly tell me like it is, which is exactly what I need. Amaya and Oaklie are doing really good. It's no fun when Mom is sick and not feeling up to doing a whole lot, but they have been great, all things considered. Amaya has been praying for my "big owie cancer" to get better. The other day I was in a lot of pain and she climbed up on my lap and said, "I hold you Mom, ok? And you feel better. It's okay." Oaklie is the funniest and happiest little girl. She has been giving me lots of extra kisses and hugs lately and seems to understand that sometimes I really need her to just sit on my lap and snuggle with me. Amaya and Oaklie are amazing little people, I know we are going to get through this trial together.
I was planning on posting about all the lessons we have learned so far, wonderful tender mercies we have had, etc. but it's late and I think I'd rather spend the rest of the night snuggled up on the couch with Dallas, so I'll save that post for another day. I'll just close with the hymn we sang in Sacrament Meeting on Sunday. It's all so good I included all of the verses, but 3 and 4 especially spoke to me this week.
1. How firm a foundation ye saints of the Lord, Is laid for your faith in his excellent word; What more can he say than to you he hath said? You, who unto Jesus, for refuge have fled.
2. In ev'ry condition - in sickness in health, In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth, At home and abroad, on the land, on the sea, As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.
3. “Fear not, I am with thee; O be not dismayed! For I am thy God, and will still give thee aid; I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous, omnipotent hand.
4. “When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow; For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.
5. “When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace all-sufficient shall be thy supply; The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design, Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.
6. “E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove My sov'reign eternal, unchangeable love; And then, when grey hairs shall their temples adorn, Like lambs they shall still in my bosom be borne.
7. “The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose, I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes: That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never - no, never, no, never forsake!”
So...today I was diagnosed with cancer. I went in last Thursday for a routine surgical procedure. The last thing I remember was the nurse putting some medicine in my IV and telling me I was going to go into la-la land. The next thing I remember was being back in the room with Dallas. My doctor was standing over me. He said that during the procedure they found a mass. They removed part of it and were going to biopsy it, but it was likely cancerous. They would have the results on Monday, but in the meantime, we needed to just go home and wait.
Honestly, we had a great weekend. My younger brother got his mission call to JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA. Unfortunately, because my surgery ran long, we weren't there when he opened it, but we saw him later that night. It's been amazing to see how much Nathan has grown in the last few months as he has prepared for his mission. I'm so proud of him and I have no doubt he is going to be an awesome missionary. We also had a new niece born on Thursday (it was a big day). Dallas and I were able to go home and spend the night and next day at Tyson and Meagan's helping with their kids while they were at the hospital. I love all of our nieces and nephews, they are such happy kids and really cheered us up. It was good to spend some time with them and stay busy, but it was also good to get home and start talking about the future.
Dallas and I decided not to spend the weekend driving ourselves crazy with worry, but to spend it as a family, having fun together and talking through things. My parents watched the girls and we were able to go on a date Saturday night to celebrate Valentine's Day.
We were able to go to the Idaho Falls Temple, where we were married, and do sealings for the dead. It was wonderful. We went todinner at Johnny Carino's and saw "The Vow." It was so fun to just talk, spend the evening together, and just have a break from all the worry and stress. As we were walking back to the car, I said to Dallas, "I'm afraid this might be the last date we go on for awhile." He said to me, "No, it's not. It might be a Redbox and hospital food, but we'll still date." I'm so grateful to be married to such an amazing person. He is exactly what I need.
Sunday our family had a fast for my health. I'm so grateful to have been born into and married into a family of very selfless and kind people. Today we talked to my doctor on the phone and he gave us the news we were expecting--my test came back positive. The mass is officially a cancerous tumor. I spent most of the weekend praying, crying, studying my scriptures and trying to come to grips with the fact that their was probably cancer within my body. I have said over and over in my head, "I have cancer. I have cancer." but it is still surreal and hard to wrap my head around. I'm 21 years old, I've never broken a bone, had a major surgery (until last week), or really ever been sick. I exercise regularly, take my vitamins, eat healthy, and try to take good care of my body. I'm 21 years old, I have two children, my husband returned from Iraq 5 months ago, and I have cancer. Still so hard to wrap my head around.
A CT scan was done and the results came back clear. As far as they know, my cancer has not spread to any of my lymph nodes or organs, which is absolutely wonderful news. The pathology results were uncertain, so the sample was sent to a specialist who diagnoses cancer. According to my doctor, I've likely had this cancer within my body for a few years because it is very slow growing. For right now, we just need to sit tight and wait for the results of the testing, sometime next week. Once they pinpoint the exact type of cancer I have, they will be able to more effectively treat it and I will be put in touch with an oncologist. Depending on the type of cancer I have, my prognosis could be very, very good. My doctor said that I will probably do chemotherapy, likely do radiation, and possibly have surgery.
Dallas and I feel really, really good about the future. It's been amazing to see God's hand in our life. The cancer could easily have gone undetected for a long time, and I know it was a miracle in our life that it was detected so early. The love and support we have felt from so many people so early on in our journey has been very humbling.
Dallas and I feel very confident about the end result. I know that I am going to be a cancer survivor. I know that this is all going to work out and that I have a long life ahead of me. This has been a 180 degree change in our future. We had been hoping to have another baby soon, which obviously isn't going to be a possibility for quite awhile, but we know we will have more children. Right now our highest priority is to take care of the children we do have, and to take care of myself so I can be the kind of wife I want to be and the kind of mother my children deserve. Everything at this point is very uncertain, it's all depending on what the pathology results are and what my treatment plan will be. I think the quote above pretty much sums it up, "I don't know what my future holds, but I do know who holds my future." I don't know why this is happening to me. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. I don't know why our family is being faced with another trial. But I do know whose children we are. I know who holds our future, and I know that He will take care of us, and that everything will be okay.
I am so thankful for the testimony I have of my Savior Jesus Christ. I'm thankful that God answers prayers and comforts His children. I'm thankful that God has a plan for me and that He knows me and knows what is best for our family.
When Peter saw the Savior walking on the water he cried out, "Lord…bid me come unto thee."
"Come." was all He said.
Filled with faith, Peter stepped from the safety of the boat on to the stormy sea. But as the winds picked up and the waves grew stronger Peter’s faith turned to fear. As he began to sink, Peter cried out, "Lord, save me."
Two thousand years later, Christ is still calling to us. As we step from the safety of self-reliance on to the stormy seas of discipleship, like Peter we pray, "Lord, save me."
With perfect calmness He stills the winds of our doubt, reaches down from heaven and saves us.
--Liz Lemon Swindle
This picture hangs in our bishop's office, and I've thought a lot about it the last few days. So many times in my life, I have felt like Peter, drowning in the storms of life; afraid of trials, afraid of the future, afraid of failing. But when I have the faith to extend my hand and ask the Lord to save me, He has. He always has. And I know He will continue to grab my hand and save me from the storm. Right now I am just praying like crazy that I will have enough faith to allow the Lord to calm the storm in my heart and in my body. And I really appreciate all of the prayers that have been said for me and my family.
Like I said about, I have no doubt in my mind that I will be a cancer survivor. No doubt. A lot of people have asked us the last few days what they can do to help. I know we will need a lot more help in the months and years to come, but for right now, we could really use positive thoughts and prayers.
I know we are not the only people who are going through a hard time right now. I know there are many people who have gone through much worse and have survived and been blessed for it. I'm grateful for the example of so many people who have overcome hard times and have joy in their lives. I'm also very grateful to be blessed with such a wonderful spouse and two such beautiful little girls, inside and out. They have such strength and joy in their little bodies. They have been so sweet the last few days, being extra patient with me, extra snuggly when I need a hug, and extra kind and loving to everyone. I am so grateful to be the momma to two such darling daughters.
And as for today, I am very, very grateful for so many things. At this point, I'm pretty much emotionally drained for today. We've talked to so many people and hashed this over and over that it is kind of surreal, so I am going to close my post. Todays pictures have been brought to you by Pinterest. I've been pinning a bunch of quotes on Pinterest lately and today so many of them comforted me and really touched my heart. Below is the quote that pretty much sums up today.
I know that things will work out. Right now we are just trying to figure out the how. I know I said this before, but we really appreciate all of the support.
Love,
The Abrams
P.S. I don't really want to clog our family blog with all of this cancer-ish junk, so I'm thinking about starting a separate public blog that I'll mostly update with cancer info, and keep most of the pictures and personal details on our family blog. Thoughts?
P.P.S. My brother just texted me the following scripture, "That the atrial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the bappearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet abelieving, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:" I told you he is going to be an awesome missionary.
